It’s something I’m finding hard to practice these days. I have two weeks to go until my due date. Two whole weeks. I’ve pretty much done everything I need to do. All my ducks are lined up in a row. I’m Miss Planner, Type A to the max. I’ve got onesies, receiving blankets, the crib, stroller and car seat. The bookshelf is painted for the nursery and the book collection is starting. We’ve got our names pretty much narrowed down. I’ve got my hospital bag packed and ready to go. The condo has been cleaned from head to toe, thanks to my lovely Mother who hired someone for me :) I’m ready. I’ve done so much reading I can’t even force myself to pick up another book on pregnancy or babies, I feel like I’ve crammed so much information into my brain that I’m worried I’ll forget it all. There is only so much reading you can do, and you still won’t be fully prepared for this little munchkin that suddenly turns your world upside-down, in a good way of course.

I have to remind myself too, that I could very likely go overdue. Oh, that is a scary word. Overdue. My chest tightens just thinking about it. I can’t imagine being pregnant for longer than 2 weeks yet. That would just be mean.

So I need to keep myself busy. Really busy. It’s tempting to go shopping. I’ve wandered the mall a few times recently, but I get discouraged by all of the shiny, new, bright colourful Spring clothing, and I can’t even try anything on. There is no point. Not until this little baby enters the world, and then, hopefully soon, someone is going to buy herself a new pair of coloured denim!

You know what’s crazy too? This whole insomnia thing. I mean, it’s just torture. People always say, “Oh, it’s just preparing you for those sleepless nights with baby!”. But you know what? I’m going to be having enough of those nights soon enough, why can’t I just get all of the sleep that I possibly can now?? Why start before the baby is born? I don’t know why my eyelids sometimes all of the sudden open up at 3 or 4am and stay that way until the sun rises. It doesn’t make any sense.

But you know what? I need to just settle down and get a grip. This baby is going to come when he or she is ready, no matter how much walking I do, or how much raspberry leaf tea I drink. And you know what? I’m probably going to miss feeling this little baby moving around inside of me. I’m probably going to miss those little hiccups that can be so distracting sometimes, and those little feet that I can feel poking out. So I need to cherish this part while I can.

And just keep myself really busy…

Anyways, because a post is always more fun with photos, here is a month by month quick look at my growing belly from start (4 weeks) to finish (37 weeks)

It’s been a crazy, whirlwind couple of months. Putting in many extra hours at work for my maternity leave. Battling a nasty flu before Christmas, and then three more colds in the following months – the joys of working with the public with a weakened immune system from pregnancy. Those times were some of the tough times. But then there were those two trips to Hawaii that we got to sneak in, one to Oahu, and one to Maui. Wonderful time spent with family on those warm beaches, getting in as much rest and relaxation as we possibly could, knowing that we would long for those very things once our little one arrives.

Work was beginning to get increasingly difficult in these last few weeks. Late night shifts that sometimes wouldn’t let me leave until 1 or 2 in the morning, waiting for that last plane to arrive. Standing for long hours with an aching back. And feeling completely exhausted and run down battling cold after cold. I worried that if this continued, I might not have the strength I needed to deliver my baby. When I walked in to my doctor’s office almost 3 weeks ago now, he took one look at me and knew. I was done. I needed a break. And what a weight lifted off my shoulders. I’m so thankful that my management and support team were so gracious and understanding, knowing that I needed this time to take care of myself. I teared up as I said a few goodbyes to the people that I saw almost every day. The people that I love working with. The ones who are such amazing encouragement and support and who honestly make my job fun. I truly am blessed to work with these people, and I’m looking forward to going in for a visit with the newest little Westjetter :)

But having this time now has been such a blessing. I’m honestly so incredibly grateful. I finally feel healthy again, and rested, sleeping as much as I can, knowing that this precious sleep will soon be put on hold ;) It’s been so great just being able to spend as much time as possible with Dave, just the two of us, going out for spontaneous ice cream dates, or going to see a movie because we can. It’s such a weird thought to think that pretty soon, life will never be just the two of us, ever again. Pretty soon, we will always have a family. We are going to be someones Mom and Dad. Someones strength and comfort. Such a crazy, terrifying, yet exciting thought. It’s been a blessing having this time to focus on just us and prepare for this next chapter. My dear friend Mikaela, photographed the two of us last weekend. You can see the photos here. I love them. She captured us and this moment in our life so beautifully and perfectly.

I’m so overwhelmed with excitement to meet this little baby that sometimes I just want to scream! I can hardly wait to find out if it’s a boy or a girl. I can hardly wait to see my baby for the first time and to feel that love and connection you didn’t know was even possible. I’m so excited to see Dave with our child. I’m excited for what the future holds for our family. So many emotions! Sometimes, I just sit on my rocking chair in the nursery and take it all in. I look at the crib, all ready for a sleeping baby. I look at the little onesies and blankets that are all washed and folded, ready for dressing, swaddling and cuddling. And I just smile. I’m ready.

So as we gear up to embark on the craziest adventure yet, I can’t help but sit here with a thankful heart. Thankful for all of God’s blessings and for giving us this baby.  This weekend, being Easter, brings immense gratitude and reflection on what Jesus did for me and is a reminder that this life of mine is truly a gift from Him.

I hate feeling like a failure.

Let me back up a bit. Four months ago we got the best news a person could imagine. We found out that we were expecting. A tiny little life was beginning to form inside of me. And the thought of that was so overwhelming and so incredibly exciting, words cannot even begin to describe it. I’m still smiling every day, knowing that my little baby is growing like crazy! I can hardly wait to meet this little person. I can hardly wait to hold my baby. I can picture life with this little person alongside us, and my heart just feels so full. I am blessed. And so thankful.

So why do I feel like a failure? Those first three months of my pregnancy were hard. I know that every woman goes through her own battles, and her own pregnancy trials, but I feel like I need to explain my story. I need to explain the sudden absence from my blogging, from sharing my photography. I feel like I kind of dropped off the face of the earth for a few months, and I feel like I’ve never fully recovered to my old self. Maybe that’s called a phase…or change. Who knows.

In those first few weeks I was exhausted. I just thought that was normal pregnancy “tiredness”, as I had nothing to compare it to. But then my blood work came back and my doctor told me that my thyroid needed some help. It wasn’t producing enough hormone for both me and the baby. I mean, I was literally exhausted out of my mind. It took all that I had within me just to get to work for my shifts. I wasn’t even there mentally most of the time, just physically, I did my job. All I did was work, and sleep. I couldn’t do anything else. I let everything go. My house, my cooking, my photography business, even being a wife. I let it all slide. I could not physically get myself out of bed or off the couch some days. It was the strangest feeling. And I felt alone. I hated that I did not even have the strength to sweep my floors. I hated that I was not really there for my husband, who so graciously cooked for me and took care of me. I hated that I could not even muster up the energy to sit down at my computer and edit and blog new sessions that I had photographed. Those first three months were beyond frustrating.

And then I finally entered into the second trimester. Suddenly I wasn’t so tired anymore (also thanks to my thyroid medication!). But then the headaches came, thanks to those lovely hormones. And I still felt like I was in a funk. I had lost my motivation. I had been able to do nothing for three whole months, how was I supposed to get back into the swing of life again? I remember one evening I had called my Mom to meet me for coffee. I needed to talk. I needed her to tell me everything was going to be ok. And she did. My Mom is an amazing woman and I love her to death. She sat there, listened to me, and let me cry. I felt so much anxiety trying to keep up with life. I’ve been picking up extra shifts at work for my maternity leave, and then trying to keep up with my business on the side, as well as being a wife and keeping a house…it was overwhelming. Why had I bottled up all of these feelings for so long? I was afraid of being a failure. Why could some women out there do it all, and I couldn’t even clean my own house? My Mom gently reminded me that God made us all different. We can all handle different loads in life, and right now, I needed to take a step back and let something go for a bit. I needed to focus on me and getting back to my normal self. I felt sad because I’ve been wanting so badly to be able to enjoy this stage of my life. Especially now into my second trimester, I wanted to have the time to get excited about what is all happening. To give the time and energy into getting the nursery ready. So to solve one of my problems, my wonderful Mother told me to hire someone to come twice this month to clean my house for me, and she would pay for it. Wow, what a blessing. My showers and floors are sparkling clean again! It is seriously the best feeling on earth. Thank you, Mom.

The other thing that I decided to take a step back for a bit on, is my business. Right now my priority is my other job, it’s the one that will be paying my maternity leave. I decided a few weeks ago to not take any new bookings until the new year. I have a lot of blogging to catch up on as it is, and Christmas is just around the corner, and I just need a bit of time to catch up on life with my husband, and just be the two of us for a little bit longer. I just need to find that balance again. With that, I’m also not going to be blogging as regularly as I used to, as you’ve already probably noticed. That was the hugest thing for me to release, because I love blogging. For some reason I’ve felt this huge pressure to keep up with my blog, to keep people interested in what I’m doing and to keep pumping my business. This is all true and great, but at this time in my life, it’s something that I need to let go for a bit, and not do as regularly as before. I will definitely pick it up again in the new year, and I will continue to grow my business even when I have my baby. I want to be able to do this. I love photography. It’s my passion. So I promise I won’t disappear forever. I hope that you understand. I honestly appreciate the support that I get from every single person that reads my blog. Getting comments or emails from readers really makes my day. It leaves me speechless sometimes. So please don’t give up on me.

So there. It feels good to get that off my chest. And in the spirit of taking time to step back and enjoy life a bit, Dave and I are leaving on a plane this evening for Hawaii. For 10 glorious days we will relax on the beach, read books, eat good food, swim in the ocean and soak up the sun.

And then….it will be Christmas :)

Amanda and Travis, it’s been such a pleasure to meet you guys. Thank you for allowing me to document your love and your beautiful baby girl. You guys are going to be such amazing parents!

Now let me introduce to you, this beautiful family. Erin is a dear friend of mine. You might remember when I helped out my friend Lesley with Erin’s maternity shoot months ago. Erin has such a beautiful heart and love for life, and I’m blessed to know her! Erin and Joel have two beautiful daughters and the 5 of them, (including pup Rocko), love to have a good time. We started their session at Traceycakes in White Rock, Erin’s favorite place to hang out. She loves cupcakes even more than I do, and that’s saying something! After spending some time in the cafe, we made our way outside onto the Pier to capture more of their family.

Erin and Joel, thank you for allowing me to photograph your beautiful family. I look forward to watching your beautiful little girls grow!

A God who loves me, a healthy family, an amazing husband who loves me like there’s no tomorrow, and…

A BABY ON THE WAY!!!!

Every September my Grandparents come for a visit from Winnipeg. And this year I asked my Grandma if we could make pies. I’ve been wanting to make pies for quite some time now and I finally got to cross if off my list. Grandma made the pie crust, and Grandpa and I were in charge of preparing the apples, snacking along the way, just to make sure they tasted right for the pies of course. It was so much fun to learn and see how my Grandma made her pies. They are seriously the best. You haven’t tasted a pie until you’ve had one of my Grandma’s pies.

We had such a fun afternoon making pies and I now have a freezer full of them! Thanks Grandma!