I had so much fun planning his party. I got most of my party decor from an American online store. Their service was completely horrible though and I will never order through them again. I had sent my order in 5 weeks before the party, with a promise of delivery in about a week. Well…3 weeks went by and no email of it even being shipped. I had to call twice to get them to send it. And it had just been sitting there. SO annoying. Lesson learned: order local whenever you can!

Anyways, thankfully everything arrived on time, and I had the party I had envisioned for my little cutie-pie.

The cake was made at Thrifty’s and it was so delicious! I made the cake topper out of paper straws, twine, and washi tape. The confetti that is sprinkled all over the table is from Cindy at Confetti & Sparkle Party Shop. She is amazing and has such great, trendy party supplies. And she is in Abbotsford! Why I didn’t order everything through her, I don’t know. Again, lesson learned!

I got the idea for the photo wall from Pinterest. It was so much fun making it. I developed photos of Jackson from birth to a year old, and it was so fun looking at how much he has changed. I bought the mini clothespins from the dollar store and painted them aqua. I had twine that I used to string them all together, and I hung them on clear adhesive hooks that I ordered online. I was totally happy with how it looked, and it was really nice to have a space for people to look at his pictures.

Thanks so my lovely Mom and Mother-in-law, I had lots of help with the food! We had BBQ’d hamburgers, farmer sausage, 3 different types of salads, homemade salsa and fruit and veggie platters. Yummy!

And then there was the melt down I had been waiting for. Don’t all one-year-olds have at least one melt down at their own birthday parties? ;)

But the cure for the tears was cake. It was honestly so funny to watch. Jackson didn’t know what to do with it at first, until he put his finger in it and licked it. Suddenly his face changed, and he wanted more. He just kept shoving more and more cake into his mouth. I think it’s safe it say that he liked it ;) (I ordered Jackson’s “One” shirt from Lil Threads Clothing on Etsy)

Cheers to my little one-year-old, and to many more celebrations!

My little Jackson. He is such a boy. Of course he didn’t want to sit nicely on the pretty blanket. After placing him on the blanket countless times, within seconds he was off and crawling and wanting to touch the rocks and the dirt. Like I said, he has a mind of his own. Oh, and the really neat balloon that I got for him, yeah, he didn’t like that either. He cried when I tied it to his wrist. But that is a little one year old boy for you! And he is my little stinker. It was fun capturing him and his personality, always on the move. This is who he is, and I love him like crazy.

A special thanks to my mumsy, who was there helping me out by jumping up and down, dancing and making silly noises to try and get this guy to smile… :)

And we finally got that smile I had been waiting for! There was only one though and I’m so glad I caught it ;)

More to come this week…

Jackson. Today, you are a year old.

Words cannot express my thoughts and emotions on this day. How does a year go by so quickly? As I sit here and wright this, I can’t help but feel emotional. My baby is no longer a baby. I feel all of the emotions that I’ve felt in this past year. A year full of so many firsts. And it makes me want to push the pause button in life. I just want to sit here, and remember it all. I want to sit here and remember you exactly the way that you are, right now, in this moment.

I remember so clearly, the day you were born and I will never forget it. It was such a special day for me. It was the day my heart grew a few sizes bigger. I didn’t know that it was possible to love a little human being so much. From the moment I laid eyes on you I was forever changed.

“On the night you were born,
the moon shone with such wonder
that the stars peeked in
to see you
and the night wind whispered,
‘Life will never be the same.’

Because there had never been
anyone like you…
ever in the world.”

(From my favorite children’s book, written by Nancy Tillman. I read this book while I was pregnant with Jackson, and cried every time. To this day, I still can’t make it through the book without crying whenever I read it to him)

So today I reflect on everything that has happened in this past year since you came into our lives and filled our hearts with a love so big and unimaginable. I want to enjoy with you, all that life brings, and always be present in the now, not wishing for the future and missing out on the little moments right in front of me. This adventure that our little family has started, is only getting more exciting with each passing day. You are so independent (and sometimes stubborn, which you get from your daddy), wanting to do everything on your own. You love exploring the world and I know you will do great things because of your personality, your drive, and your determination. It’s exciting to think about where you will go and what you will do. I know that God has big things in store for you.

Jackson, I cherish you. I love the way you snuggle when you wake up. I love the way you dance. I love your pterodactyl screams, and the way that your face lights up when you see me. I love your squishy cheeks and your ticklish toes. I love your babbling. I love that you love to read stories. I love your hazel eyes and how they burn holes right into my soul. I love how you scrunch up your face when you are being silly. I love your love of straps, buttons and zippers. I love the way you smother our kitty Maya with slobbery snuggles. I love how you love your daddy, and how fast you crawl to the door to greet him when he comes home from work. I love all that you are.

Happy first birthday, my sweet boy. I love you so.

When you write on the internet, anyone can read it. Not everyone will like what you write, and you run the risk of negative feedback and criticism. It’s the risk that you take when you put yourself out there. But some will like what you write, and some will be able to relate. I believe in always being honest. I write from my heart. So if you don’t like it, that’s ok. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions about life. But I am also encouraged to keep writing by the fact that my close friends and family know me. And there is no judgment there. Only love and acceptance. And so I share the birth story of my son, knowing that some may not like it or agree with how I did things. But I’m writing from my heart. I’m sharing my feelings and am being honest about the day my son entered this world. I’m hoping for love and acceptance.

(Written last year, 4 days after the birth of my sweet boy) Here it goes…

***

Wow. I have a baby. A beautiful, healthy baby boy. Jackson Matthew Peters. Here is the story of his birth…

I had what I’d hoped would be my last doctor appointment on Monday, April 30th, 2012 – 2 days before my May 2nd due date. At my appointment, my doctor did an ultrasound to check the level of my amniotic fluid, a standard procedure that they do at the end of the pregnancy. He said that my fluid looked very low, and he wanted me to go in to the hospital for a proper ultrasound to check. He said that if the fluid was too low, then they might have to induce me. If the fluid is too low, then that means that the placenta might not be doing it’s proper job anymore, and that if we waited too long, it wouldn’t be able to provide nutrients to the baby during contractions when the baby was stressed, which would then likely result in having to have a c-section. He reassured me that if I had to be induced, it would just be the kick start my body needed as I was already 3cm dilated and ready to go (and had been for the past 3 weeks already!). So I went home that day waiting for a call from the hospital.

Tuesday morning, May 1, I got a phone call from the hospital at 7am saying that they could get me in at 11am for the ultrasound. I had sent Dave off to work, thinking that things could happen that day, but to keep going as normal, in case they sent me back home. He was working in Surrey, a 45 minute drive away. My Mom was in Kelowna helping my brother move in to his apartment, so my Mother-in-law took me to the ultrasound. I remember that drive to the hospital so clearly. The sun was shining and it was a beautiful Spring day. I remember the striped shirt that I wore. I was nervous. The anticipation of what the day would bring was intense, and I was so ready to meet my baby.

The ultrasound technician confirmed that yes, my amniotic fluid was very low and he told me to go up to the maternity ward and that I was likely going to be induced. Wow, all of the sudden things became very real. We went up to the maternity ward and spoke to my doctor who was very reassuring. I was so thankful that he was actually on call that day. Yes, I was going to be induced, and very soon. Ok, this was real! I immediately called Dave and told him to leave work and come to the hospital. I then called my Mom and told her she better leave Kelowna and start driving. This was actually happening!

We went to triage where they set me up in a bed and we waited for a bit until they had a room ready for me. It didn’t take long, and I was in my own room and was then hooked up to an IV at 12:30pm with oxytocin. It took about half an hour for it to release into my system. I started getting mild contractions which felt like my normal Braxton Hicks that I had been getting throughout my pregnancy. At one point, my nurse commented on how my contractions were pretty intense, and that I wasn’t even having problems breathing through them! She wondered if I would be one of those super women who didn’t feel much pain. I laughed and said who knows, and wouldn’t that be great! Soon Dave was there, and the two of us walked what seemed like a million laps around the maternity ward to help things progress. We walked the halls with my IV trailing behind us, and I soon had to start breathing through the contractions and pause throughout our walk.

(this is me, oh so happy at the beginning…excuse the crappy iPhone photo quality)

We grabbed popsicles from the freezer as I wasn’t allowed to eat anything because of the oxytocin. After lots of walking, we went back to our room and I did a lot of sitting and rolling my hips on the birthing ball to keep the head progressing down. I suddenly had a lot of back pain and we thought that the baby was probably posterior, so I kept on the birthing ball and used laughing gas to help me through the contractions. Dave also massaged my back and applied counter pressure through the contractions which really helped with the pain. All of that walking and sitting on the birthing ball did eventually turn the baby around the right way, thank goodness!

By 4pm, my doctor came in to check me, I was still only 3cm dilated (after 3 hours!), and I was so discouraged. He then broke my water, what was left of it, and then the contractions went to a whole new level. I then started to feel the pain that every woman who has done this before, describes as labour pain. The contractions got really intense. The laughing gas was no longer helping and I was beginning to think that I couldn’t handle the pain anymore as it was brought on so quickly from being induced. I asked my nurse for an epidural. She advised against it saying that it would greatly slow down the labour and that things were progressing really well. She said that I could have a shot of morphine instead and that maybe we should try the warm bath, and that I might really like it. By then I was in so much pain that I accepted the morphine.

We then walked down the hall to a room with a bath. I got into the bath, but did not like it at all. I was so uncomfortable. After a few minutes of being in there, I told the nurse that I felt like I had to push, and she said no. It was so hard not to! I was suddenly in the transition part of labour and stuck in this bathtub, wanting to push. They quickly got me out of the tub and back to my room. I think she was shocked at how far along I had progressed in such a short amount of time. I was so out of it from the morphine by then, and in so much pain. I pretty much had my eyes closed for the rest of my labour as I worked through each contraction. The rest is a bit of a blur (sadly, from the morphine), but Dave filled me in on what happened from then on. My doctor came in and I was ready to start pushing. I remember pushing and how painful it was. I don’t think I will ever forget that pain. I pushed for 45 minutes in total. I remember when they said they could see the head and that the baby had dark hair! I remember the nurses telling me to push and keep pushing. Oh, it was such hard work! I was so exhausted. I remember the feeling of the baby coming out, and the immediate relief afterwards. Then the doctor said it was a boy! A boy! I smiled, knowing that my instincts were right and it had been a boy all along. The doctor asked Dave if he wanted to cut the cord, and I remember Dave asking if we could wait a bit to let it pulsate a bit more, so that more nutrients could reach the baby. The doctor, with a sense of urgency, said no, because the baby wasn’t breathing, we needed to do it right aways. So Dave let the doctor cut the cord, and they took our little baby boy to the table. I remember thinking, oh my goodness, my baby isn’t breathing. I just started praying and praying. After what felt like an eternity, I finally heard my baby crying, the best sound in the world. My baby was breathing, thank you Lord. They had to give him a Narcan, which would counterattack the affects of the morphine that had reached him. They then brought him to my chest and I held him for the first time. What a surreal and incredible feeling. I finally was holding the baby that I carried inside for 9 months! That moment can’t even be put into words.

They cleaned Jackson up and weighed him. He was 6lb 12oz and 21 inches long. I remember the cleaning lady coming in to clean everything up, and remember thinking how she was so slow and just taking forever! I wanted our parents to come and meet their newest grandson! Finally at 9:30pm (after almost 2 hours), both sets of our parents came into the room to meet Jackson. I was so excited to show him off. My Mom said that I was really alert when they came in, but that I very quickly faded. They stayed for about 20 minutes and then left us for our first night in the hospital with our new baby.

The first night was surreal and I will never forget it. I fell asleep with Jackson on my chest cozied up in blankets. We slept this way for a few hours, skin to skin. I remember waking up throughout the night and looking over to see him in the basinet. He woke up once with a weak little cry, and I picked him up to cuddle him. There are just no words to describe the feelings that I felt. I tear up just thinking about how vulnerable I felt, and so overwhelmed by the intense love I had for this baby boy and how I knew I would do anything and everything in my power to protect him.

***

The part about Jackson’s birth story that has haunted me for the past year, was that I took the morphine. I totally regret having it. I hated the way it made me feel. I didn’t feel in control anymore. I didn’t feel like myself, and it made me so out of it, and it caused me to not be able to really remember everything how I would liked to have remembered it. I wish I could take that part back about my labour with Jackson. If I would have known the affect it had on me (and him) and the outcome, I would have never taken it. I felt a lot of guilt about this for a long time after Jackson’s birth, feeling like a failure, and still to this day, have to let it go and give it to God. I had such a quick labour, that the morphine had reached Jackson. He wasn’t breathing when he came out because of it. They had to give him a Narcan to counterattack the effects of the morphine. He was so sleepy (from the drugs), that he didn’t breastfeed well at all in those first few days, which led to a painful uphill battle to climb (which, I am proud to say, after 5 long weeks of perseverance, we finally got the hang of it). All of this was so hard on me and it really affected me emotionally. It definitely didn’t help with the post baby blues. I know for my future births, I will not be having morphine at all. I will do things differently. As a first time mom, I wished I would have done more research beforehand, about the different drugs offered. I wished I would have talked to my doctor about the effects of each drug, so that I would have been able to make a better informed decision about what I wanted. I know now, for next time. I know that you can’t predict how your labours will go, and as hard as it was being induced, it was, in fact, a blessing, as having low amniotic fluid would have posed a greater risk to Jackson and myself.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that if you’ve ever had morphine or other drugs during labour that you are a terrible person. Not at all. Everyone handles pain differently. I just know that for myself, it affected me negatively. I wished I would have taken Fentanyl instead of Morphine, as that only lasts in your system for an hour, and it probably wouldn’t have had time to reach Jackson. But like I said before, what happened happened, and I can’t go back and change it. I’m moving forward and learning from my experience.

So there it is. I did it. It’s off my chest. The story of my precious son’s birth. And you know what? He was born a healthy, beautiful baby boy. And a year later, he is still growing, and thriving, and exploring this big world and getting in to trouble like little boys do. Even though his birth wasn’t quite how I had imagined it to be, he came into this world perfectly healthy. What a blessing that is. I am so incredibly thankful for him. He is my gift from God.

Before Jackson entered this world, his nursery was my former office. We live in a two bedroom condo. There is not a whole lot of extra space to go around. But when we moved in, we knew that eventually that second room would be a nursery, and I would have to say good bye to my lovely office. When we got pregnant, it all became very real. We needed to figure out what to do with my office, and turn the room into a beautiful nursery. How the heck were we going to do that?? Thankfully, my parents took my desk, and it is being put to use at their house for the time being. And my office? Well…I work a lot at the kitchen table now :) We really learned to downsize, and keep only what was needed. The closet in that room, would serve as a place to hold the linens, a place for our games, a place for some of my office stuff (filing cabinets, etc.), and a place for baby stuff! I’m actually quite impressed with how it’s all packed and the fact that it functions. Granted, it is so annoying when Jackson is napping and I’m working on something and realize that I need something from the filing cabinet that is in the closet in his room. But that’s ok. You learn to live with what you’ve got! Someday we will be in a house, but for now, this works.

I wanted to have a bright, airy, neutral nursery with a pop of colour (based on gender). I love white and grey. It’s so clean and fresh. I knew that if we were having a boy I would add touches of aqua, and if it had been a girl I would have added touches of coral and peach. So once we had our little boy I slowly finished things off, one by one. It’s such a cozy nursery and I love how it turned out.

The bookshelf is handmade by Dave’s Grandpa. He made one for all of his grandchildren when they were younger, and I knew that I wanted to incorporate it into our future baby’s nursery someday. It was originally just a wood stain, but we painted it a light, soft grey, and I love how it turned out.

The shelves above the bookshelf, were there from when I had my office. We kept them for the nursery, and still use it as storage for other things that we need. Thanks to Ikea for having cute, white boxes to store things while still looking neat and organized.

Another DIY project was the photo collage I did on the wall. That was the last and final touch to the nursery. It took me so long because I was actually dreading it. I’m such a perfectionist that I knew it would take me a while to measure everything out. I first drafted out an elevation of the wall on a piece of paper to see what I wanted it to look like (busting out those Interior Design skills people!). Then I made a trip to Ikea for the frames. Then I chose which photos I wanted to print (that was a tough decision!). Once I had them printed and put in their frames, I followed a tutorial on this blog, which I found on Pinterest, for how to hang them. Sheer genius! It actually didn’t take that long at all and it was so exciting when I finally started putting the nails in the wall. I love how my photo wall turned out.

One of the pieces in the collage, is a little piece of artwork that Jackson and I did when he was 3 months old. It’s his handprints and footprints dipped in a water based paint. Now, I had originally wanted to do this when he was a newborn, but life is crazy when you have a newborn. You are sleep deprived, hormonal, emotional, and the list goes on. I was a bit of a trainwreck, so sadly, it didn’t happen as quickly as I had planned. But again, better late than never, and 3 months old worked out just fine (although he was a lot squirmier then).

I spent many hours in my cozy rocking chair when Jackson was a newborn, and now, as he’s almost a year old, he loves playing in his room, pulling all of the books off the bookshelf, and opening all of the drawers and emptying their contents. Life is fun, and I love seeing him grow with his room.

The Details

Crib: Wayfair

Dresser/Change Table: Ikea

Dresser Hardware: Anthropologie

Laundry Hamper: Land Of Nod

Rocking Chair & Gliding Ottoman: Bought from a friend :)

Bookshelf: Handmade by Dave’s Grandpa, we painted it grey

Side Table: Ikea

Lamp: Ikea

Toy Storage Bin: 3 Sprouts

Aqua Change Pad Cover: Etsy

Crib Sheet: Dwell Studio

Grey Blanket: Handmade by my lovely friend’s Mother

Frames: Ikea

Stuffies: BlaBla Dolls, Chapters Indigo

Grey Curtains: Ikea (with black-out curtains behind to make the room dark for sleeping)

Alphabet Print: Etsy

With that being said, there is one thing that I got to check off my list that was really exciting for me. Last summer, I received an email from a company in Australia called Working Girls, a creative advertising agency. They found a maternity photo that I took, and wanted to use it in advertisement for a company called Blackmore’s that sells vitamins. This picture would appear in web and print in Australia and New Zealand for an entire year to promote their prenatal vitamin. How insanely cool is that?? So I got to check off on my list get a photo published in print. Because this all happened in Australia, it was difficult for me to get a copy of the picture in print, but they emailed me the final artwork, which I’ve posted below.

Kinda cool :)

Our weekend wasn’t perfect. It had its moments of complete craziness, like wanting-to-pull-your-hair-out kind of moments. Like when we left our home for the cabin, and about 15 minutes into our drive we realized that we had forgotten the boat keys at home (the cabin is boat access only). There went an added 30 minutes to our travel. The long drive causing Jackson to have an extra nap that he normally doesn’t take anymore. Which then caused a later bedtime. Which then caused bedtime battles. Oh, that was fun. Not to mention that he hadn’t been to the cabin in a few weeks, so he might not have remembered the place. Sometimes babies have a hard time sleeping in unfamiliar places. Jackson is one of these babies. Or how about the time he decided to throw a fit as I was changing his poopy diaper. Trying to hold him down and clean him up as quickly as I can while he was screaming and trying so hard to escape…it was a challenge and it was frustrating. Then the fit he continued to throw after the diaper changing episode. Can we say strong willed? All of those moments weren’t fun. But those moments were real. Life isn’t always ice cream and rainbows.

But then there were the little moments in between that put a smile on my face. Those snuggles with my baby on the deck in the evening sun. The boat ride into town for ice cream. Seeing Jackson’s face as he tried tart raspberry gelato for the first time. Taking pictures to remember it all. Eating a late dinner, because we were too busy enjoying the evening sun on the deck with our little baby. The dance party that we had in the living room. I’m thankful for those moments, the good and the bad. Life isn’t always easy, and neither is this journey called Parenthood. But it’s those sweet moments that remind us of why we are here. And they remind us to be thankful.

Love this kid…