I’ve been thinking about this post for a while now, but for some reason, have been scared to actually sit down and write it. Scared to death to post it. But I need to do this. I need to get it out there in the open.
I hate feeling like a failure.
Let me back up a bit. Four months ago we got the best news a person could imagine. We found out that we were expecting. A tiny little life was beginning to form inside of me. And the thought of that was so overwhelming and so incredibly exciting, words cannot even begin to describe it. I’m still smiling every day, knowing that my little baby is growing like crazy! I can hardly wait to meet this little person. I can hardly wait to hold my baby. I can picture life with this little person alongside us, and my heart just feels so full. I am blessed. And so thankful.
So why do I feel like a failure? Those first three months of my pregnancy were hard. I know that every woman goes through her own battles, and her own pregnancy trials, but I feel like I need to explain my story. I need to explain the sudden absence from my blogging, from sharing my photography. I feel like I kind of dropped off the face of the earth for a few months, and I feel like I’ve never fully recovered to my old self. Maybe that’s called a phase…or change. Who knows.
In those first few weeks I was exhausted. I just thought that was normal pregnancy “tiredness”, as I had nothing to compare it to. But then my blood work came back and my doctor told me that my thyroid needed some help. It wasn’t producing enough hormone for both me and the baby. I mean, I was literally exhausted out of my mind. It took all that I had within me just to get to work for my shifts. I wasn’t even there mentally most of the time, just physically, I did my job. All I did was work, and sleep. I couldn’t do anything else. I let everything go. My house, my cooking, my photography business, even being a wife. I let it all slide. I could not physically get myself out of bed or off the couch some days. It was the strangest feeling. And I felt alone. I hated that I did not even have the strength to sweep my floors. I hated that I was not really there for my husband, who so graciously cooked for me and took care of me. I hated that I could not even muster up the energy to sit down at my computer and edit and blog new sessions that I had photographed. Those first three months were beyond frustrating.
And then I finally entered into the second trimester. Suddenly I wasn’t so tired anymore (also thanks to my thyroid medication!). But then the headaches came, thanks to those lovely hormones. And I still felt like I was in a funk. I had lost my motivation. I had been able to do nothing for three whole months, how was I supposed to get back into the swing of life again? I remember one evening I had called my Mom to meet me for coffee. I needed to talk. I needed her to tell me everything was going to be ok. And she did. My Mom is an amazing woman and I love her to death. She sat there, listened to me, and let me cry. I felt so much anxiety trying to keep up with life. I’ve been picking up extra shifts at work for my maternity leave, and then trying to keep up with my business on the side, as well as being a wife and keeping a house…it was overwhelming. Why had I bottled up all of these feelings for so long? I was afraid of being a failure. Why could some women out there do it all, and I couldn’t even clean my own house? My Mom gently reminded me that God made us all different. We can all handle different loads in life, and right now, I needed to take a step back and let something go for a bit. I needed to focus on me and getting back to my normal self. I felt sad because I’ve been wanting so badly to be able to enjoy this stage of my life. Especially now into my second trimester, I wanted to have the time to get excited about what is all happening. To give the time and energy into getting the nursery ready. So to solve one of my problems, my wonderful Mother told me to hire someone to come twice this month to clean my house for me, and she would pay for it. Wow, what a blessing. My showers and floors are sparkling clean again! It is seriously the best feeling on earth. Thank you, Mom.
The other thing that I decided to take a step back for a bit on, is my business. Right now my priority is my other job, it’s the one that will be paying my maternity leave. I decided a few weeks ago to not take any new bookings until the new year. I have a lot of blogging to catch up on as it is, and Christmas is just around the corner, and I just need a bit of time to catch up on life with my husband, and just be the two of us for a little bit longer. I just need to find that balance again. With that, I’m also not going to be blogging as regularly as I used to, as you’ve already probably noticed. That was the hugest thing for me to release, because I love blogging. For some reason I’ve felt this huge pressure to keep up with my blog, to keep people interested in what I’m doing and to keep pumping my business. This is all true and great, but at this time in my life, it’s something that I need to let go for a bit, and not do as regularly as before. I will definitely pick it up again in the new year, and I will continue to grow my business even when I have my baby. I want to be able to do this. I love photography. It’s my passion. So I promise I won’t disappear forever. I hope that you understand. I honestly appreciate the support that I get from every single person that reads my blog. Getting comments or emails from readers really makes my day. It leaves me speechless sometimes. So please don’t give up on me.
So there. It feels good to get that off my chest. And in the spirit of taking time to step back and enjoy life a bit, Dave and I are leaving on a plane this evening for Hawaii. For 10 glorious days we will relax on the beach, read books, eat good food, swim in the ocean and soak up the sun.
And then….it will be Christmas :)
